Musings on mum flu

Before Child, I was unbreakable. I would go to work even if I was dying (either from flu or a hangover, mainly because it meant if I didn't I'd miss out on boozing that night) and just bloody well got on with it (with the occasional whine). Once, after a four hour drinking binge at my works Christmas party and an hour solid on the bumper cars (woo - NAMCO!), I woke up the next day unable to move. A trip to A&E and a HUGE lecture later, I was told I had whiplash. But even that didn't stop me, I was back on it the next day. What a warrior!

These days, a standard cold wipes me out (let alone a hangover). What is it about having a child that means you can't even go about your day with a bloody snotty nose? It isn't just me, is it? I know it isn't.

If you didn't already know, I have mum flu. While it isn't an actual thing, it bloody well should be. I ache, my sinuses are raging, my nose running, I can't stop sneezing and my throat hurts. A pretty standard cold but made a billion times worse because I'm a mum. I can hardly find the energy to do the washing up let alone go to work (I don't have a job) or look after my child (ipad and crisps for her). WHY? I used to rock the shit out of a cold. Today I look a cross between Uncle Fester and Rudolph. WHY?!

Has having a baby really shot my immune system to shit? Almost four years on? Really?

This bout of mum flu has, however, made me realise just how much I take things for granted. How lucky I really am. Take the shower, for example. Hot, running water. A ten minute shower, just standing there for ten whole minutes (I know, it's bad... but I'M ILL) is bliss. I'm SO grateful for that luxury. And for having a husband who doesn't mind getting up with my early riser and keeping her quiet so I can sleep in until ELEVEN AM. I needed that, clearly, although I felt no better for it. But THANK YOU! And cups of tea, strong and sugary. I'm so grateful for you. And my bed, soft and bouncy. And so warm and cosy. There are people who don't have any of that. I am so grateful. These are the simplest of luxuries that we all take for granted every day. We moan when that bag we've been lusting after is out of stock or when the tube is over-crowded. But really, we have it so fucking good.

Think about it next time you have a moan. Think about all the things that are normal to you but to others are alien. And then be grateful.

Baily the bag lady.

NEED A NEW BAG?????? Of course you do!

Who doesn't want this Melody Morton Fold Over Leopard Clutch? Answer: not me. WANT IT.

Need to go hands-free? How about this then? YES!

These lovely bags are handmade by the even lovelier Sarah Baily. Don't know who she is? Read about her here. She makes the coolest bags that are super slick and will never ever go out of fashion. Perfect for Christmas (AHEM, dear husband) or y'know.... just because. Sarah also makes cushions too which are equally as cool as her bags. I'd check her out sharpish because CHRISTMAS IS A COMIN' and because they are handmade they take a little time (around 10 days) so GO GO GO. But if you cant wait then you, my sexy lot, need THIS....

Cocktails AND bags AND jewellery. Sounds like my perfect night. Happy shopping!

P.S Don't forget to support the independents this Christmas and forevermore.

It's not a competition you jealous, bitter bitches.

It's a shame I have to write about this. Again. But it's really starting to piss me off. Again. Women are the biggest fucking bitches, evil and spiteful and vile. And I will hold my hands up... I used to bitch like the rest of them but since having Lil I've found myself bitching less and less. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking it's ok to slag other people off. I don't judge, I can honestly say that with my hand on my heart, at least 99% of the time anyway. I'm only human.

Just recently, I've noticed just how fucking awful women are. Those with kids and those without, oh yeah.... being a massive bitch doesn't stop once you squeeze a baby out of your vagina / have a child pulled from your abdomen / sign the adoption papers and finally, after a long wait, are blessed with your angel. OH NO. And those without kids don't stop bitching about those with kids either. And they hate, they are jealous and they are BITTER. WE ARE ALL FUCKING BITTER.

I mean, what's the point? We should just shut up and live our lives, whether it's the life we want or not. Only we can change things if we are unhappy but being bitter and slagging people off for the lives they have isn't very nice. SHAME ON US / YOU / THEM. And anyway, it's NOT a competition.

I have started writing a mental list (yeah that's right, a fucking list) of people I really don't want in my life anymore. I don't want them and their toxic bullshit invading my happy (most of the time), positive space. I don't like being made to feel like an idiot for the decisions I make, regardless or whether they are right or wrong. THIS IS MY LIFE / YOUR LIFE / THEIR LIFE, let me / you / them get on with it and everyone else can just do one.

Remember The Sisterhood? Remember that? Oh, you do! Remember GIRL POWER? How about us vaginas all support each others decisions / life choices and be happy for each other, no?

Let's try it.

This post was sponsored by a recent hormonal surge resulting in quite a large period of rage. Normal service will be resumed... sometime in the future.

Sumangashi

Or marbling, if you can't speak Japanese. I remember doing this as a kid at school but it wasn't until I stumbled across Tinkerlab that I remembered so I set off on my mission to do this with Birdie.

Skillz

I bought these marbling inks  and used an old roasting dish. You can use anything that fits a sheet of paper or card. And once you have your inks, off you go. It kept her entertained for an hour and I didn't have to worry about the mess because there wasn't any.  It's a great alternative to normal painting and waaaaaaay more fun because you just don't know how each piece is going to turn out.

So now we have over thirty sheets of marbled paper to use. That's our Christmas card crafting sorted!
I'd also recommend the Tinkerlab book - it's brilliant. Full of fab ideas for you and your little one.

You're welcome.

Dinovember

'Every November, children in more than forty-five countries wake up to discover that their plastic dinosaurs have come to life and made mischief while the family slept. For thirty days, milk is spilled, eggs are cracked, and walls are colored by crayon-wielding claws. Childhood is fleeting—let’s make it fun while it lasts.'

Photo credit

Last night I was thinking about Christmas and how exciting it is to be a child at this time of year. Halloween, Bonfire Night and then it's the countdown until Santa arrives. Oh to have the imagination of a three year old when you're a cynical (almost) 29 year old. I was convinced as a child that my toys came alive at night and it was a bit scary but also wonderful to think of them having their own adventures.

You may or may not have heard about Dinovember. For the entire month of November, those plastic dinosaurs that you can find at the bottom of the toy box come alive. Not forrealz, unfortunately, but the kids don't need to know that. And it's fun because you get to be a part of this adventure while behaving like a total kid. Then every morning when your little ones come downstairs, SURPRISE! Those naughty dinosaurs have caused absolute chaos.

Photo credit

Absolute genius. Find out more about it here. And just you wait until you see what our dinosaurs are going to be getting up to...

Home is where them fuckers ain't.

I can't remember how I came across Leigh. But it was probably during a three hour Etsy binge, you know... where you sift through all the amazingness, adding to your wishlist and occasionally (or often in my case), buying. Anyway, I bought my first piece and hung it proudly on the wall. It's called 'cunt'.

On her work...

"I’m self - taught and always worry that I’m doing everything completely wrong. I started embroidering while at uni on a fine art course, I wasn’t taught how to, I just thought embroidery was the most suited medium for the project at the time. I was studying the definition of femininity, the roles of women and traditional crafts that are classed as feminine. I could go on forever about all that, but probs best I don't. When I finished uni I didn't make much art work as I helped set up a design led shop in Liverpool in an amazing gallery. Though I found myself feeling inspired again and the mini cheeky cards and prints were born. 

After a customer in the shop spotted me embroidering a skull to pass time, I had my first commission. I was actually embroidering the skull on a vintage hanky for an exhibition to raise awareness about domestic violence. The juxtaposition between a masculine object and a feminine craft/masculine subject of death on a feminine and pretty fabric created something I wanted to explore more. So, the embroidery continued mainly for myself as a way to keep the concept artist in me ticking along. Meanwhile, the cheekier the cards I made, the more they sold. 

I made friends with a vintage clothing owner and helped as her seamstress. This meant I could get my hands on some beautiful fabric while learning more about cottons and thread etc. I then, quite suddenly,  decided to move back home from Liverpool after a family loss and getting ill. I wanted to be closer to my family. For a year I didn't really make much. I set up an Etsy store online to sell the little cards and began embroidering again, more to keep myself sane while I was poorly. I embroidered a portrait of Mick Jagger simply to see if I could after getting a little bored of embroidering skulls. Then, through the power of Instagram, I had people asking what else I embroidered. 

I had a shit tonne of vintage fabrics that needed some tlc and after working with my friend at her vintage store, I loved the idea of altering items to make them modern again and re-loving fabric that might have gone to waste. The cards seemed to be selling ok, so I took a saying that was selling well and embroidered it onto a hanky (I’d actually embroidered quotes onto hankies about domestic violence for that exhibition I mentioned before, so it seemed kind of natural to embroider text again). Well, that seems now like the smartest move I’ve ever made. 

Through Instagram I’d gained some momentum for these embroidered quotes and sayings - I guessed mainly, probably, because they were pretty rude or had topical sayings. I tried to stay down with the kids and embroider the latest it-word. Now, I wasn’t daft. There’s a big world out there full of crazy talented people and I knew I wasn't the only one doing this. I kept on top of what other artists might be creating so as not to step on anyone’s toes and to make sure I was actually making something original. Vintage fabric wasn’t being used in the same way I was re-using it and it seemed there was no one else embroidering the word 'cunt'. Those embroideries were my best seller and the prettier the vintage fabric, the better. I dabbled in quotes about love and kept up with commissioned pieces but wanted to swear more - the crudeness of a terrible word made pretty on your grandmas vintage linen just tickled me too much. Hence why, the word 'cunt' was the ultimate in contradictions and a perfect word to embroider on the floral, sometimes twee, fabric. 

Trying to keep my Etsy shop fresh and original led to me coining a phrase ‘home is where them fuckers ain’t’ (also, after having a hard time with settling in back home with some pretty shitty ‘friends’ and missing my friends back in Liverpool). Well, for some reason, someone blogged the image of my embroidery on tumblr with a link to my shop. Within a day, it had been re-blogged over 100,000 times. Cue a load of commissions and a load of tears out of the shock of it all. Around this time, I tried my hand at pet portrait embroideries as a gift for a few family members. I’d seen a lot of different styles for pet portraits and so played around with it myself. After I’d made a few I listed them on Etsy to get some feedback, I'd decided if I didn't sell one in a month then I wouldn't continue them. I sold 2, cried again and now I’m making at least one pet portrait commission a month. 

It’s only really, since the tumblr post, that my work seems to be going mad. I’ve had a steady flow of work for the 2 years that I’ve had the Etsy shop running, but in the last 6 months, things have picked up speed. I still don’t understand why people buy my work. I enjoy embroidery so it doesn’t take me long to make something. That’s probably something I shouldn't share, but it’s true. I’m self taught and only really started the embroideries to see if I could. Though, turns out I can, and now I’m trying to keep up."

Visit Leigh's store here.

Anixety and The Grim Reaper

It started at the beginning of the year. I'd read someone's sister had died and she was the same age as me. Cancer. And then it spiralled out of control.

What if I've got cancer? What if I drop dead? What if Lil gets really ill? What if I lose someone I love? All these 'what ifs'. Then one night I woke up, not knowing what was happening to my body, my heart was thudding so hard I could see it trying to burst through my chest. I felt hot and dizzy and wanted to throw up. I screamed for an ambulance, I was dying. This was it, everything I'd previously feared, it was all about to end.

It didn't get better, I just learned how to control it. The panic attacks. The heart palpitations were not the start of a heart attack, I needed to remember that. I was put on medication to control the physical effects but then I fell pregnant and had to stop. After a painful month of discovering it was an ectopic pregnancy, methotrexate to finish it and surgery to remove what the drug hadn't achieved, I woke from the operation free from anxiety. No acid reflux, no chest pains. No attacks. I could finally be free of that horrible black suffocating grim reaper that lurked in the doorway, waiting to smother me. It came with a price, of course, but the feeling of that anxiety lift was something to grip onto.

And then came tragedy. I walked into the room my uncle resting in and saw a different person. The cancer had stolen his body and he was full of disease, it was impossible not to react. How something so silent could change someone, destroy them. That night, the dark monster came home.

Propranolol only helped the physical effects of an attack. It didn't, couldn't change my mindset. Every twinge had me questioning if it was cancer, if I was dying. An outsider, someone who can live free from anxiety, may think that it sounds ridiculous but every thought had me petrified. Wondering how bad an attack would be if I wasn't on the medication. Would it send me over the edge? These thoughts, these feelings, sometimes made me wonder if it wasn't just better for me to end it.  I could feel my family getting irritated at my over the top thinking and I was slowly driving myself insane. It's a very dark place to be when anxiety takes over. It rules and ruins your life. But although I sometimes had suicidal thoughts, I would never have done anything about it. I knew that it would get better, I just didn't know how.

I started CBT with an open mind. I didn't know what to expect to be honest and I left the first session livid. Angry at my parents for everything that had happened while I was growing up. I had to talk about my childhood and it brought back a lot of painful memories, so much so that I wanted to lash out at everyone. But as the weeks went on, all the anger faded until it left my body. I practised the exercises I was given, spoke about loss which helped to heal wounds I thought were closed and learnt new things about myself. It felt good, I felt better. I was supposed to have another session today but felt I didn't need it and my therapist agreed so I cancelled. Together we'd worked so hard to get to this place, I felt relief and sadness. She was like my comfort blanket.

I'm not fixed, I still feel anxious a lot of the time. I still worry about what's going on inside of my body, the twinges I get. But I'm working on that with my doctor, looking after myself better, cutting down on the things that aren't so great for me. I haven't felt hopeless for a while, so overwhelmed by my anxieties that I thought perhaps it would be better to not exist anymore. I'm a work in progress.

CBT is something I can't recommend enough. It isn't for everyone and you have to find a really good therapist in order for it to work for you, but if you're suffering from crippling anxiety then speak to your doctor about it. Grab it by the balls and don't let it control you, because that's what it does. And although I think I'll probably suffer from it for the rest of my life, there are things that I can do to control it.

You can find out about anxiety and other mental health issues here.